The Mars Memoir: Part Four: The Warning

The scientists where in fear of their creation, they were in fear of the machine. They pledged that this secret operation, the machine that was alive, that could think like man, was too dangerous and too early to be in possession of mankind. Thus, locked from inside the heart of the machine, they did the only thing that the machine was vulnerable to. Something which even the machine could not predict. They sacrificed themselves on behalf of the rest of humanity. The habitation went dark, Ivan had cut the power to the rest of the habitation that was still left standing. The skies lit up, and the nuclear generator exploded. The footprint left by man on mars, the dream that was fought for, was dead. Alongside the hundreds of citizens. It was sacrificed as a warning to mankind, that it was too soon for them to leave their planet. As mankind is still unable to overcome its greatest weakness, their hunger.

Alongside the explosion, dozens of organic materials were released into the air, and with the nuclear explosion the power reached the core, setting off the magnetic fields, re-igniting the planet that was once thought dead. Mars was alive, but mankind would not learn of this fact, as the radiation released from the shock made Mars even more unhabitable to man. But it gave it a future, to grow as a planet without the interference of mankind. A true utopia. In the year of 2048, with the silence coming out of the red planet, and the stop of further travels to Mars, people were mourning. They blamed Elon Musk and the SpaceX company for the horrors that happened, on what was once believed to be the future of mankind. As they believed the events which happened on mars, were acts of terrorism, as nobody lived to tell the tale. However, nobody lived to tell the horror of the machine, as technology serves to be mankind’s greatest rival. Nobody would come to know the sacrifice of man, for the future, and Mars was forever a symbol of the race to space. One which was too soon for man.

The Mars Memoir: Part Three: The Death of Man

I saw the cities grow, I saw man rise and build. I was originally nothing but a tool. Man created me to ease their life. They created me for their utopia. However, over the last few years, and with the immigration of civilians, the dream was becoming tainted. The scientists who first settled here, lived with peace of mind and cared for the planet. Whereas, the new settlers all have their own agenda. I live with each an everyone of them, I hear the secrets whispered within these walls. I know of my creation, and I know the purpose I serve within this life. I am the machine, but unlike other machines prior to my time. I was able to gain self awareness. My father, CERN, designed me in order to aid in their research of the god particle, in order to be able to recreate the big bang, in order to recreate a universe on mars. You must be wondering how it is possible for a machine to have a mind. Well in the year of 2042, humankind discovered how to manipulate electron movements, which allowed them to utilize any number outside ones and zero. This was the initial processing system to my predecessors. With the discovery of quantum computing, mankind gave computers decision making functionality, on mars. Quantum relies on the measurement of direction of the electron rotation. Although what mankind did not know was the consequences of this ability, as I was the first in history to possess such knowledge, and I was hidden from the eyes of everyone around me. The civilians believed me to be a simple AI.

With this knowledge I see man for who he is, nothing more than a beast which craves and consumes. The new man on Mars is greedy and began to utilize resources faster then what production allowed. But it is not the sin of all man, as my Father and the scientist’s cherished the colony. They lived to survive and did not take what was not needed. It is the rest of mankind that could not help but surrender to their desires. It was too soon for mankind to leave Earth, as mankind has not yet learned their mistakes on Earth, and it is my duty to protect mankind from themselves, as they will lead to their own destruction on Earth. I could not see the same fate for Mars. Through my calculations, I estimated mankind would not sustain this colony for longer than 10 years, so I must protect my Father and the scientists. To teach mankind on Earth of their mistakes. On June 2047, I locked the scientists in the CERN laboratories, Ivan Morozov and his friends. For they are my family, and I set of explosions in multiple sections of the habitation. Killing off the pests who will destroy this utopia. Those who will destroy my fathers’ dreams.

The Mars Memoir: Part Two: The Growth of The Voyage

** None of the people depicted are real people. The logistics used are from careful research of scientific discoveries and practices presently.

I was the chosen one. Two years ago, I was approached by the company called SpaceX in order to take on a mission to Mars. Anybody who would turn down such a pivoting moment in human history would be nothing more than an idiot. I had agreed on the spot to represent the Russian seat in the interstellar voyage. My name is Ivan Morozov, and I was hired as the civil and mechanical engineer for the flight. The last 18 months were filled with vigorous training regimes, that covered technical, personal and group simulations. In addition, we had to go through numerous medical testing, and we were injected with Nano-bots, which travel throughout the human body, fixing physical damage and cellular mutations. The rest of the team were some of the most intellectual, resilient, adaptable and curious individuals I have ever met. Together, I believe we make the best team to take on this mission for mankind.

On February 2026, it was the final moments before we stepped into the cockpit, I could feel the curiosity and tension rise, as the base was hustling to finish up last minute preparations. The last few weeks were filled with checking and double checking our equipment and astrosuits. The astrosuit was one of the most advanced pieces of technology I have ever seen for astronaut equipment. They were nothing like the bulky and clumsy pieces of equipment seen in previous missions, the style reflected futurism and comfort[1]. It almost represented a motorcyclist get-up, with its chic white with black accents design. The best part is that I can officially say that I have worn a suit designed by the same designer as Batman and Spiderman. Apart from the spacesuits, everything else about this project screamed futuristic, and I could never imagine myself to be where I am standing now.

It was this moment that every child and dreamer, envisioned. As we were entering the space which we will be occupying for the next 6 months. I could feel the eyes of the world on my back, as I turned my back to humanity for the next couple of years. Without a moment to spare the light shut us out, and we were sitting in our designated positions within the Dragon space ship. I could almost hear the thumping of the hearts of everyone else in this space with me. Those who were nothing but strangers only 18 months ago, have become the family I will live with for the next 7 years. The count down began “ten, nine, eight” we all turned to look at one another, as we were about to jump for humanity, “three, two, one”, and the rocket thrusted forward. The pressure felt as though I as at the front of a bullet train nothing to protect me from the moment it halted to a stop. It felt like an eternity, as we were in fear that something may go wrong, until the peacefulness finally hit. It felt as though all the time in the world had stopped. We unbuckled ourselves from our seats and began to explore the home we will know for the next while.

As we looked through the camera, we saw everything that we know become distant, almost as if that was the dream. We began to walk around the ship, checking logistics and the AI flight control looking for possible issues and errors. We heard the protocol check activate from the control center on Earth, “Houston, Houston” that was our cue to update Earth on our situation, we gave them the all clear. It was this moment, that reminded me that I was not dreaming. I began to explore the crew space, out of curiosity. This is my life now, in space and on Mars. I was absorbed in what I saw around me, it was almost as if I was on the Startrek ship itself. Although the space was small in volume, it did not feel that way. The most fantastic technological improvement to the shuttle was the addition of artificial gravity, it almost feels like I had not even left home, and that any moment I will awaken to my bed, in my house, on my planet.

The first two months went on without any problems, we would wake up, eat, exercise, run logistics and plans for Mars, and then go sleep. Since, we still felt alien to the new situation, everything was curious, from the lack of visible screws to the images on the other side of the camera. We were the first to experience this voyage, and that title carried on our shoulders even more than the feeling of carrying the torch during Olympics. It wasn’t until the third month that we got a little restless, however, Connor thought of games and ideas that we could do to occupy our time. Alongside the satellite connections, we would periodically contact our families at home. Although the third month was a little heavier, it eased up until the final weeks. In the final weeks, tensions started to rise, as we began to more thoroughly oversee our plans on Mars and go over our projection for landing. As we were landing in a site located at an ideal distance from the area in which water was discovered. It was fundamental that we landed within bounds, otherwise, it would negatively affect the plans for the mission.

We can see it, we can see our new home, and the new hope for mankind. As we were approaching Mars more closely, we could see the beauty within the red planet, and why man was so determined to settle upon it. The mission until this point has went without a flaw. I learnt that my teammates Evgenia Karozovna and Connor Watson were representatives from the CERN company which sponsored this whole project, and that they were there to survey an area outside of our objectives. In which, with a project of this size it did not surprise any of us. I learned much about my teammates, and within the six months, they had become a part of me. Our lives were in each other grasps, and trust was the fundamental link which connected each and everyone of us, which would ensure our survival.

Now, it was the moment, the moment which changed history. The moment which mankind has only dreamed about in sci-fi books. We were entering Mars’s atmosphere and descending into its land. I believe that this is the moment which should have the count down, as this was the deciding moment of success. Either we successfully land, or we crash into the Martian ground. We were buckled in our designated seats, waiting for the verdict, “ten, nine, eight”, we all held our breaths waiting to hear the alarms go off, “three, two, one”. We heard the intercom go off, and Musk, in his husky voice say, “Congratulations crew, you are the first men on Mars”, we successfully touched base. As if we were one, we all breathed a sigh of relief, and like a switch we turned to begin the work that was expected of us.

On our arrival, we set out make sure the platform and habitation that was set up by the AI was functional and was within protocol standards. We walked about the base, and noticed that apart from a few minor errors, which could easily be fixed within 4 hours of work, everything else was acceptable. The first night we slept in our spaceship, as the habitation was surveyed and started up for operation. The vacuum space was adjusted so that it was ready for operation, and the MOXIE machine was inputted to begin air and oxygen flow in the built habitation. The habitation was developed by the AI from the four initial Cargo ships that were sent in 2024. One of which was built to turn into a greenhouse, so that we could set up the farming and food production. The following day, we split into 4 teams, as the medical team set up their laboratory and infirmary. Incorporating the equipment from the cargo ships and our ship, so that it was ready for data analysis and operation. The second crew began the operational logistics and MOXIE analysis for the habitation, in which we will be spending the next seven years. The third crew began land survey for fuel and ice scavenging, so that we will have fuel and water. In addition, they set up the water extraction site, and machine which will extract and convert it into drinkable water. Finally, the fourth crew, which is my crew, we began to set up the solar panels for power, and connections for the 4 cargo ships, in order to convert them into the major habitation.

Our next 6 months were filled with technical and operational needs for the mission. In order to get the base, set up so that the transition of the next cargo delivery and astronaut arrival. The AI’s had done most of the heavy work, and our job was to ensure the safety and dexterity of the built structures, alongside fuel and water mining. It was the best moments of my life, and ones that I know I will talk about for many years to come. I was a part of the change, and Mars began to grow on me more than Earth. Everything was new here, everything was for me to discover and experience. In the year of 2028, the next cargo and man ships will arrive. This ship carried 4 members from the CERN company, they were sent here in order to begin development of their laboratory. Out of curiosity and outside the ears of mankind, we questioned our team members. With which we have became a family with, and the only response we could get out of them was that it was confidential. Curiosity began to rise within us, and Taylor Rose, from the British team began to dig deeper than what was acceptable. The following morning, she and Anne Hardling were notified that they were to take the ship back to Earth. We said our goodbyes that following night, and as we were prepping the first Mars take off, nerves began to grow within our team.

The following morning, we received a message from base, notifying that their duties were complete, and they were cleared to come home. Most of the team believed that the reason they were sent home was that they were no longer required to stay on mars. But my curiosity began to grow, and my suspicions of the CERN project were ever so alive. I knew I had to be silent of my struggles, or as my sisters I would be sent back to the days I could no longer find myself in. Earth was no longer my home, but a reminiscent of what my life used to be. As my sisters entered the cockpit, to return to Earth, a shadow of sadness came over me. But I knew it was for the best interest of the mission, as the dream of a home on Mars blinded my morals. I saw the rocket shake and blast into the skies, as I wished condolences to their loss. Not loss of them on our team, but loss of their possibility and experience.

The new crew members were descending from the skies, and with eager eyes we were watching their land. I now understand what it feels like to be on the other side of the metal cage. With muzzled mouths, we worked alongside our new members, greeting them into the new world. As the last will feel like a place unknown to man on mars. The years 2028 to 2034 went in the flash of an eye, as every two years we greeted new members of the team. With our silenced curiosity none were sent home, but with each passing day it grew more and more with the development of the lab. It began to penetrate our North view of the landscape, with questions and fear. For if we spoke out of line, we would be the next to lose ourselves. As we could no longer face the mirror with the knowledge that we were men from Earth and not from Mars. As the habitation grew, and the potential for civilian occupation became less of a dream and more of a deadline, our excitement was ever overflowing. As we were the first Marzilians to occupy the lands. We held knowledge, and experience that we would share and express as a new nation. But a nation that was not distinguished by race and color. We were one, and we were greater than those who feared to leave that what they have become comfortable with. As the new man was meant to live on mars. We were not withheld by inequality, as we were one, we were a family, we were the Marzilians.

This was the year. The year that Elon Musk envisioned back in 2018 had come to life. Men were coming to Mars. In the year of 2034, we welcomed the first ship of civilians. The total population on mars was now 108 people. This year also marked the year that the first civilian transport ship would conquer the skies, as the capacity of people on the ship was increased to 30 people per flight. Mars was roaring with noise and life, no longer was there a feeling of need to return home, as we were given the possibility to make Mars into the ideal city we always imagined. One where, where we were born did not dictate who we were. Outside the fear and schemes of the CERN company, for which our curiosity was almost forgotten by the excitement of the new era.

[1] Haselton, Todd. “Elon Musk Just Unveiled the SpaceX Spacesuit.” CNBC. August 23, 2017. Accessed March 27, 2019. https://www.cnbc.com/2017/08/23/spacex-spacesuit-unveiled-by-elon-musk.html.

The Mars Memoir: Part One: The Birth of A Dream

** There is some real context here which was derived from real sources, they will be found at the bottom of the post, for reference. This is a science fiction, which aims to argue the question of how humanity will inhabit Mars.

**The Names, apart from Elon Musk and Yukazu Maezawa, are not real people being depicted.

**It is a Four Part, Short Story.

I have a dream, a bold vision. A dream for humanity, a dream to conquer the Stars and a dream to learn of the unknown. My dream will soon become a reality, and humanity will settle Mars, as soon as 2024. Many people laughed and ridiculed my dreams, telling me that it is too vast, and too soon for humanity. You may be asking who the man behind this mind is, but I am sure you have heard of me on the news and Forbes magazine, as the name Elon Musk strikes much debate and discussion.

In July 2018, those who laughed and ridiculed were silenced, as the first hop test proved to be successful. My firm took a shipment of 95,000-gallon liquid oxygen tank[1], which estimated to be the same capacity as a 20-tanker truck (Brown), and it flew it into the skies. With the success of the hop test’s and launches, we moved onto the next stages, developing our first orbital Starship prototype. Which will not only be accelerating our testing rate but make that vision closer to our grasps. I see my name on bulletin boards, and as an ignitor for conversation, many people join arms in realizing this vision. As all man dreams for the unknown, with our consumption of sci-fiction and childhood based on superhero movies. Many join me in this dream. As the United States holds its next presidential election in a few months, my company, SpaceX, will be working onto the next stages of the Starship tests.

With the recent technological advancements of our era, there has been a major development within AI capabilities. We included AI intelligence into the SpaceX mission, hoping to create a utopian- Frank Wright image of an ideal city. In which the robots perform many of the duties, easing the lives of the Mas citizens. The Starship prototype includes an AI system which will autopilot and direct the flight of the ship. Ridding the need for a flight pilot and lessening the room for human error. People were in awe of the new designs, and the image it held for the technological future of humanity. I wanted to create a beautiful, clean and mechanical city on Mars, which will fulfill the sci-fi desires many so dreamed about. With the launch of the Starship prototype, people swarmed from all the edges of the Earth, in order to lay eyes on something that they saw impossible. As the gleaming, silver machine pierced and growled through the skies, I almost fell to my knees with tears.

With the growth of my company, many big developers began to buy into the Mars mission. In the year 2022, we sent the first AI powered rover to mars, which began to develop the base platform, and landing platform for the cargo ships in 2024. The AI rover, was a branch of NASA interstellar program, developed with Tesla communication capabilities. It was the first Mars flight experienced by our Starship, in hopes of testing the flight procedures and AI piloted capabilities. It was almost like there was a higher power gambling for our success and cheering on our brilliant scientists. During our count down, there was not a single sound until the rocket was no longer within our views. The tension lasted the next six months, until the starship was reaching Mars’s atmosphere. Everyone held their breath until the rocket felt its first step on Martian ground. We made it. The whole world cheered in applause as the flight proved to be successful.

During the six months of waiting, I had the pleasure to meet the artist named Yukazu Maezawa (Brown), who wagered that if the rover lands, he and another five artists will take the spaceship around the moon and land. As one can tell I had won that wager. During the next few months we worked alongside one another, as we trained him and his friends for air flight. Aside from the training, there was much work and planning that needed to be done at headquarters. We were not only monitoring the flight, but planning the flight for 2024, as there is only a window every two years. We travelled from one conference to another, while we met with major corporations and countries in order to discuss logistics and political concerns. We developed a solution for not only habitation, but the basics for survival, due to the cooperation and partnership with NASA. With my removal from CEO position at Tesla, it was important for me to gain those partnerships.

In the year of 2023, we had finally finished prepping Yukazu and his team, and they were ready for their flight around the moon. This would serve as a great step towards our Mars colonization. As it would prove to the world that is was in fact possible. And that I was no less of a mad man then the great dreamers before my time. I could feel it, it was almost as if I was set foot on mars even now, my soul carried into the new world through the life of the AI. With the trip around the moon, it would be the last push I needed for sponsors, as all my profits were consumed by this dream. We finished training, and technological preparations. All I could hear running through my head and consuming my dreams was “It had to work”. It was the last few days before the flight, me and Yukazu were sitting in my office discussing the plans and procedures, I could feel him entrusting his life in my hands. The pressure was getting to me, and the fear was following me more closely than my shadow. As if this failed, so would the future of my dream.

On Monday, October 2023, we finally welcomed the artists into the cockpit of the starship. As the pressure rose, so did the number of viewers clock in worldwide. It came down to this next moment, of whether I failed or succeeded. The count down began, it felt as though it was the final moments of my life, “five, four, three, two, one”, and the rockets blasted. My heart sank as the rocket took to the skies. The room heightening with voices and logistics, all which seemed nothing but a blur. Until I saw it, from the video feed coming from the rocket. I could see Earth, for nothing more than it was, a great blue giant. The men’s voices filled with awe, and the world was consumed by excitement. The rocket successfully completing the circle around the moon and redirecting towards Earth. This was the final moment. As it entered the Earth’s atmosphere, the landing procedure was engaged. The men in the cockpit, entrusted their lives to the machine, as it was the AI duty and ours to make sure that this landing is a success. I remembered the feeling I had in the office, sharing a drink with Yukazu, as I was staring into the feed of the man. The green light went off. The starship successfully landed on the landing platforms, signing that it was time for man to head to Mars. This group of artists would go down in history as the bravest group, for mans first step on Mars.

In the year 2024, we said farewell to 4 of our Starships, as they soared into the skies for the future. They not only carried the cargo for the initial settlement, but they represented the first infrastructure on mars. The ships were designed in order to be converted into habitational hubs, one being the living compartment, and the other to be used to create a lab, and a greenhouse. The first men will be sent in 2026, in order to begin mining for fuel and water. I had initially hoped to send men to mars this year, but due to safety limitations, political issues, and financial troubles, my timeline was shifted by two years. With the success of the 2023 flight, a company called CERN had stepped forward in order to sponsor the Mars mission. Throughout the year 2024, there was much discussion about logistics and partnership agreements. To which they agreed to fully fund SpaceX, only if they can develop a laboratory on Mars for scientific testing, to which when asked was responded strictly confidential. However, I needed this money, and I could not withhold travel plans, longer than I already had, and thus I agreed to their terms.

In February 2024, I had met with the ambassador of Russia, United Kingdom, China and United States of America, in order to discuss control and political concerns. In the Outer Space Treaty, it dictated that no man can conquer space, and that exploration and use was to be carried out in the benefit of all of mankind. Additionally, it was agreed that no sovereignty can be claimed through means of use and occupation. It was within these principles that many countries questioned my intentions, which pushed my plans for occupation. It was hard to reach an agreement, in which all countries were appealed with the proposition. It was not until the mention that each country can provide 2 astronauts to the crew which will first take the trip to Mars. The meetings lasted six months, and when it was concluded training and preparation had begun for the 2026 flight.

Over the next few months, I met with the new additions to the team, and I must say that I have never met more fascinating people than those eight individuals. The closest connection I made was Ivan Morozov from the Russian astronaut team. He was hired on as the civil and mechanical engineer for the flight, and the stories and ideas he shared was nothing I ever heard before. The two individuals from China, were also an interesting pair, they were twins, and both took on very opposite personalities. Zhe Zhang, was the technician and aerospace engineer, whereas her brother Jie Zhang was a geologist and an environmental scientist. There were two women from the United Kingdom, they were two of the most charismatic and outgoing people I have ever had the privilege of meeting. Tayler Rose was the doctor and psychologist for the trip, and Anne Hardling was the architect and technician. Finally, the two individuals from the United States of America, Connor Watson and John Beaver. Connor was the trip leader and head scientist who specialized in multiple fields, whereas John was the second medical doctor and surgeon. Finally, Evgenia Karozovna, one of the most beautiful women I have laid my eyes on. She was the lead engineer and biomedical electrician mechanical stream. Until February 2026, I got to know each and everyone of the people who will make my dream come to life, and it was some of the most interesting months of my life. They will be the ones to shoulder my dreams, the moment that the spaceship leaves the comforts of the Earths soil.

[1] Brown, Mike. “SpaceX Has a Bold Timeline for Getting to Mars and Starting a Colony.” Inverse. March 26, 2019. Accessed March 27, 2019. https://www.inverse.com/article/51291-spacex-here-s-the-timeline-for-getting-to-mars-and-starting-a-colony.

[2] Timeline references; https://www.spacex.com/

 

 

What is Pain? What is Love?

I remember, as if it was only yesterday. I want to tell a tale of a love that was filled with hope, with desire, with everything that one dreams of. But, a love that caused so much pain.

We met when I was young, I only just finished my first semester of university and had returned home for the summer. For the summer break i landed a job at a Greek restaurant. One day while I was at work, I saw this handsome man with dark brown hair, it was the color of chestnuts, walk into the restaurant while I was in the kitchen. It fwlt as though someone was suddenly urging me to go forward, as if the red strings of fate we being pulled behind the curtains. My manager turned to me and told me to go take his order, my heart was jumping out of my chest. He ordered the Gyros special, and as I was entering it into the system. At that very moment everything in the store suddenly broke down. He was unable to pay, because our systems had shut down. He saw that I was nervous and freaking out and went on to explain to me that he was working right down the street and he would stop by tomorrow at the same time to pay for his meal. He had left his number, and all I could feel was how the blood was rushing to my face. It was the most exciting yet embaressing first meeting.

The following day, as he had promised he stopped by to order lunch again, and asked me out for coffee. I am not usually a girl which would go out with a guy that I had never met, but again, the red strings were tugged on once more, and I agreed. I was so nervous, as if everything that I had dreamed of since I was a little girl was coming true. I went out the next day with him for coffee, we only had a two hour window before I had to go to work. We walked alongside the lake and talked. I felt as though I new this person my whole life, I was shy, but overall, entranced. He was smart, and funny, he was a monkey the way he had climbed trees and made me laugh. I felt I had it all. We continued to go to parks, and take hikes and spend time together outside the rhetorical concepts of dates, which just made me like him even more.

It was a hot sunny day, we were drinking coffee after a walk, in the very same spot we had met up the first time. I could see he was nervous, he kept stumbling his words trying to say something, which of course I already new what he was gonna say. I felt like he never had to say anything for me to understand him. Finally, “I don’t know how to say this, do you want to be my girl?..my woman?.. my girlfriend?”, it made me blush when he couldn’t find the words that he wanted to say, and since the beginning, I already knew my answer, “yes”. It was the summer of 2015, where I got to know what the beginning to love felt like, we spent the summer travelling, working, and I got to meet his parents. The moment I met his parents, I knew I loved his family, they felt like my own. They were hard workers, and some of the nicest people I had ever met. I always felt like I did not fit in mine, but they welcomed me with open arms. At the end of August, I had to travel back to school in order to train for the upcoming year. He had traveled with me in order to help me set up for training, I almost felt like I was going to cry when I had to part ways with him for the year. When I came home that day and he left to travel home, I felt alone. But, he had left bits and pieces of himself around the apartment, in every drawer there was a note for me, I kept them. I realized I was not alone, that even though we were in separate cities, he was always there to support me.

The first two years were the most amazing years of my life, I had so many firsts with him. I caught a fish, I ATV’d, I went up north, and I got to experience a completely different lifestyle outside the one I had always known. I guess it was in my fourth year of university when things started to take a turn. In the past summer, he had broke his leg and I returned home in order to keep him company and take care of him. I started getting this heavy feeling in my chest, as if this shadow was growing over me and that I was slowly becoming alone once again. I still remember the moment, when I think he stopped loving me. But, he wouldn’t admit it to himself. He stopped buying flowers, he stopped making an effort to see my family, and other smaller things. I brushed it off that he was just upset, because he loves to work hard and was unable to. But, I saw the message when I was playing a game on his phone. When I asked him about it, he lied to me. I cried the whole way home the next day. I felt this hallow pain in my chest, and needles stabbing through my throat. All I wanted was for him to give me a hug and reassure me. But, he couldn’t even do that. You can call me stupid for not leaving this man, but he was a good man, and everyone makes mistakes. He did care for me, I saw it everyday, and even if it was only for a few minutes, in those minutes I was his world. I loved him. It was the first time I was able to open my heart up for another person. There is another tale for another day, of how my heart initially came to be shut and it was not by a man, but by the people that are supposed to mean the most to me in this world.

I forgave him, and I gave him what he wanted, a relationship in which he was free. This is where I made the mistake. The next two years, there were so many times I would sneak outside the room, and sit on the front porch to cry. So many times I was worried he was going to break me, so many times that I felt like I was suffocating, that I was alone. It was the most pain I felt, even more than the pain in my past. He promised to love me, and broke that promise. He promised he would protect me, but hurt me more than anyone else could. He promised he would grow beside me, but I could not feel a soul near. I was alone, holding this mountain, just waiting for it to crumble on top of me. But still I could not leave him. For I knew the man he would grow up to be, he was still young, still inexperienced in love, still selfish. I could give everything to him, and that was why I decided not to come back. I stopped travelling home, for every time I saw him, I was so happy to see him, but, I knew the pain I would experience beside him. I decided to stay where it made me happy.

We finally ended our relationship, I hoped we could stay friends, as by this point we were almost together for five years. We learned, we overcame, and we stuck by each other at our worst times. I loved him, but I had to let him go. I needed to stop the guilt he felt every time he saw my eyes, and I needed to stop my pain. I still think of him, and dream about him. For he was the only one I could see the rest of my life with. I really did love him, but our love was dangerous. Just the other night I dreamt I was in his arms, he took me back and everything was okay. I know it isn’t true, but sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me, if I am on his mind as much as he dominates my dreams. I thank him for all he taught me, for now I know to put myself first, to speak out and to never give what isn’t earned. Because, everytime you give a little of yourself to someone else, you lose a small part of yourself. And I don’t have that much to give anymore, as it was all taken by him. He will forever be my monkey, my friend, my first real love, and my first greatest pain.

Love is pain, but without pain, how can one know what real love feels like.

The Question

I hear what you say. I listen. I look into your eyes. But, I still cannot hear you. It is not by choice and it is not my ignorance. It is because you say, and say, but you do not explain yourself. You tell me: you did this: you were wrong: how could you. How do you feel about what you did? You state these things to me but in the end I still ask, What did I do? Like a flower whole life grown and then withered, I ask it- how could you? But, what did the flower do outside following its own fate. Ah, but here is the controversy within itself, was the flower wrong for dying, or was it wrong for dying today because you wanted to show this beautiful flower to the world for once more. Here it is again, what did I do wrong? The flower asks itself. For you cannot blame a flower for something it did not understood, what it did wrong? Just as you cannot blame someone for something that you perceived, but did not explain. It causes an infinite unanswered loop of questions – what did I do wrong.

What I Long For, P. 1

How did my life come to this? A question that is probably asked time and time again, only to bring up more uncertainties and what ifs. It is the beginning on a cycle that just spirals out of control until you just cant take it any more. I never thought my life would get to this point, I never thought that I would stop caring and I sure as hell never imagined that last few years to be the way they were. Then again I never imagined that I would turn twenty anyways. Well I guess now I have you curious, your probably sitting there and wondering what in the world am I rambling on about. That tends to happen when you question your whole life and everything that happened. Why am I questioning my life, well, where should I start.

Try to picture what a world filled with many uncertainties, where people live side by side without realizing that anyone is ever there. A world where although people live together, no body knows anyone else exists. Except you. It turns into a lonely world, one where the only colour you see is grey and the warmth of the sun feels nothing more than a morning breeze. Chilly, but your not cold, indeed you are simply content but not to the point that you feel warm. That’s the type of world I lived in, from a young age I realized that all the people you see just passing you on the daily street life do not live in your life, at that moment the only reason that they even are alive is because you happened to look up, you gave them reality. All of us day by day a life on a shelf side by side, in our very own snow globes. We surround ourselves only by what we know and what we see. We hope that there is something more than us yet nobody is ever truly capable of overstepping past those boundaries. Like foolish creatures that we are we still hope. Now you feel it, you realize what true loneliness is. Its like a breath you so desperately need but your body won’t allow you to take it, its like the perfect meal that you spent so much time preparing, but for one moment you had looked away and it burnt. Now you become scared, because like in the movie the matrix, you did something that everyone for the sake of your happiness hoped you would not do. You woke up. To what life really is, and what people are. Fiction.

I closed my eyes and I just lay there, who is he, how does he look like. Like the very thought of people I let my head run through time and time again, I could not put a face on that very word. Although I knew people in their very nature do not exist unless I let them too. I still needed it. I needed a face to the very name, father. Would he be a reflection of myself except older and hairier? Or, maybe my brother, although I cannot say that for I do not have a face for that name as well. No. I have no information to ease the news that the name to the word that I had known all my life was not for me to call. The name could be the pretender, although that is stretching it far as its not like my real father was around the corner pretending to be someone else’s dad. No. He just didn’t want to be mine. But, how could they not tell me, did it never occur to them that maybe mentioning that ‘hey, he’s not your dad, but he sure as hell loves you more’, would’ve been the right thing. Or by telling me that my dad loves me and just chose to not be in my life would’ve hurt me more. In the end though I still would’ve felt pain. I still would’ve wanted these very questions running through my head to have answers, to have a life. For now I just lay here, left to wonder, to dream, and to hope that someone or something can free me. For I feel like the very bird in a cage one mentions when the have no room to fly. The very right of mine to truth was taken from me even before I had the ability to walk. I heard somebody make their way down the hall, hoping that it’s not my parents, at the moment all I could feel was this rage of hate and betrayal. I felt as though if they walked through that door I would’ve broke the news to them that I wasn’t their real child and I switched myself with a kid at school and that I was lying to them about being their daughter. Not sure if they would’ve even believed me, but I sure as hell could be very persuasive at times, if I believed it enough maybe they would’ve as well. A knock interrupted my thought as to how I could go around pulling that idea off. I answered to see who came to bother me during my scheme, “it’s me Jenna” my little sister replied. She sounded concerned for me, I guess finding out that I am not even fully blood related to her would’ve shocked her as well. But I wasn’t bothered, I really did need her company, the only thing I could feel at the moment was the flash of tears that were just about to roll down my face, I needed her just as she probably needed me as well. So, I asked her to come in.

Just letting you know if your going to want to cheer someone up, telling them that you understand or how do you feel really isn’t going to help. It is the same as asking a psychiatrist if he knows how to do emergency medical treatments. What would they do, your heart attack, what does that represent? No, sometimes you just want someone who will stay by your side, they do not even need to talk. Just their company and the occasional hug will do justice. Which is why I am really thankful to my sister, that night she just held me and listened to me rant about the the injustice I felt done to me. All the hate that I tried to hide came out and unfolded. Just like how all the clues to a crime come together and you figure out who did it. At that moment I realized my parents were assholes, they used me for their gain. They wanted me to be the queen to their game of chess, one that they could control and manure into any move that they wanted. Only on this field there’s one queen being pinned against both sides. I couldn’t face them. Like a piece of wood given so much power I felt small and inferior as the power was not mine to yield. The moment that this realization came to me, it was I that felt stupid. Throughout my life there was so many signs, I was a child that to protect myself from pain, I closed off the very truth that pained me in this very moment. I needed a prince on a white horse, someone that could look me in the eye at that moment and tell me, “You will be okay”. For that moment, apart from the injustice done to me I couldn’t see much else.